"I TEACH ENGLISH AND DRINK BEER"

NOTES FROM TAIWAN #10

"I TEACH ENGLISH AND DRINK BEER"

June 9th, 2008

Week two got off to a little slower start than the first, considering that I had been putting a little too much wear and tear on my body recently. It seemed as though my one week of waking up alert, refreshed, and cheery wouldn't be continuing any longer. I was back to my old sunshine and smiles morning mood.

I also spent a good deal of time today doing the type of intern work I had thought I'd be doing: bitch work. Spending the entire day stuffing envelopes gives one a great deal of time to think about the things that really matter, like the meaning of life, what kind of man I want to be, and ice cream. I concluded about the former three: 42, happy, and mmmm...

I also purchased my first Taiwanese lottery ticket with the help of my coworker Melody. Just the thought of a white kid from Montana winning the Taiwanese lottery of 500,000,000 NT (that's a cool $17 mil, people) made me smile. But the highlight of the day was, without a doubt the epic thunderstorm. I personally loooooooooooove thunderstorms, and living in LA doesn't provide much of an opportunity to enjoy a truly great one. Way back in my younger years in Montana, though, gave little Jeffrey a few good ones. Though rain would come very rarely, when it did, oh boy...

Today, in the early afternoon hours, the thunder started, lightning flashed, and it rained so hard that Noah would be pissing his pants. I thought it had rained hard yesterday, but it had nothing on this. Looking out the window was practically like looking through an aquarium there was so much water falling down. And the thunder literally shook the walls. It was bone chilling, eardrum shattering thunder. And the lightning stuck so fiercely that the office would flash as if there was a strobe light on in the corner. I took a long stretch of time during this storm to stop my envelope-stuffing and enjoy the aquatic pummeling Taipei was receiving.

But then the power went out, and Cedric, becoming extremely worried about a power surge deleting all the data on our computers, sent me on a mission to buy some protection (of the technological variety. get your mind out of the gutter). So, while the rest of the city's inhabitants had made their way to safe haven from nature's fury, I disposed of any electronic devices on my person, made sure my umbrella was locked and loaded, and stepped outside.

I really don't think it would have been possible for my flimsy umbrella to be any more useless. I would have stayed dryer without it, as it seemed to become a magnet for the rain, drawing every drop onto me. You ever see that David Copperfield magic trick where he stands inside a vortex of fire? It felt like that, but with water. I saw more than a few people, nestled inside their dry offices, point and laugh as I swam my way to the mall.

After fruitlessly trying to explain the technological specifications of the Uninterruptable Power Supply I was seeking in a language I didn't understand to the store clerk, I returned to base and informed Cedric that he would be taking care of this one himself. I spent the rest of the day trying to remember what it was like to be dry, as I was now only a little wetter than I had been for the past week which I had spent dripping in sweat.

This night took us to the Shida Road Night Market. While not the concentrated cluster f*** that is Shilin Night Market, Shida provided enough tasty food, interesting trinkets, and hilariously misspelled printed t-shirts to make the trip worthwhile. Afterwords we stopped at a drink and dessert place, where several of us made the unfortunate mistake of ordering rice pudding. It would seem that the pudding in this rice pudding dish was actually congealed pig's blood, and while the taste was not entirely disgusting, the thought of consuming coagulated swine blood wasn't exactly my idea of a tasty night cap. When asked why they had given us this dish instead of actual rice pudding, the waiter responded, "We Googled it." Damn you, Google, look what hell you have wrought (apparently, though, rice pudding here is normally served this way, so we have only our ignorant American minds to blame, not the most popular search engine on the planet. Go figure).

Everyone else had grown tired by our return to the hotel, so only Ben, Cyndy, and myself attended this evening's Beer in the Park, where we received quite a treat. There, sitting at a table in the middle of a park in Taipei, Taiwan, were two white guys chugging down which was certainly not their first beer of the evening. Upon seeing us approach, one of them called us over to have a little chat. We met Matthew and Tim. Tim, the louder and certainly more drunker of the two, introduced himself in a thick Australian accent as he took gargantuan drags from his cigarette, swigged his Taiwan Beer, and smiled at us from behind a very very very drunk eyes (they were practically closed). When I asked Tim what he did, he looked at me with those red, watery drunk eyes, smiled, and said:

"I teach English and drink beer."

An honest man. I like that.

Matthew, on the other hand, was the definition of a prim and proper British fellow, and when he first spoke to me, I couldn't understand him. It took me a moment to realize what language he was speaking: English. As in the most perfect English I have ever heard in my life. Every word was perfectly pronounced in the most aurally pleasing modulation you can imagine, and this man's use of vocabulary would bring tears to Merriam and Webster's eyes.

After our introduction began a series of exchanges which where very hard not to laugh through, as Ben, Cyndy, and I struggled to maintain our composure as a belligerent Tim ranted and raved about his life in Taiwan as Matthew, holding perfect posture, smiled on. Apparently Matthew was married to a Taiwanese women in Taiwan, and he and Tim would unwind after a day of teaching English by going to a park and having a beer, much like we had been doing. Tim continued:

"So are ya single?"

"Uh..."

"Let me put it this way: do ya like garls?"

*swig of beer*

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"Then ya'll love Taiwan! HAHAHA!"

*another swig of beer*

Tim then detailed every bar and pub in Taipei, and which ones were good and which ones weren't ("Nah, ya don't wanna go thare! The women there are old and crazy, let me tell ya!"). The only time he stopped talking was when he got up, walked ten feet, unzipped his pants, and peed in the bushes. Keep in mind this park is right in the middle of a city block surrounded on all sides by streets, with cars and mopeds passing regularly. But I guess when nature calls...

To call these two the Odd Couple would be a very gross understatement. I just can't imagine how they found each other, or why Matthew would choose to associate with such a crass drunkard, and why Tim would choose to associate with such a... Brit. Maybe they were starved for some fellow foreigner. Or maybe despite their differences, they really were just good friends. Either way, they were both magical people in their own regards.

Before letting us leave, Tim had to gush a little more about teaching English in Taiwan. Apparently he was pulling down 500 NT an hour. He works only a few hours a night, which allows him to "Drink awl naught, sleep awl day, wake up, get drunk agahn, and go ta wahrk." He explained that he would go to work drunk quite often, and that he would have to leave class to pee every hour, telling his students, "Sit taught, kids. Gotta take a piss!" Or how on really stressful days he would step outside the school, shotgun a beer (excuse me, I mean "beahr"), and go back to class.

I couldn't help but wonder how this man, an alcoholic Australian who doesn't speak any Chinese, could come to Taiwan and make more money than many people who have had 20 year careers here. Apparently, the need for English teachers here in Taiwan is so great that they'll take anyone, even if you're reek of beer and pronounce most English words in an accent so thick it almost sounds like another language. You don't even need to speak Chinese. They want their students to be exposed to English completely during the class, so speaking Chinese isn't allowed. I'm terrified to think what kind of English those poor children will be speaking after taking the Australian's class.

Speaking English is probably the best asset one can have when seeking a job in Taiwan. Many people study English here, but very few have a chance to practice it enough (as in speak with native English speakers) to become fluent in it. So being a native speaker opens so many doors, regardless of educational background. I really had never realized what an asset speaking multiple languages can be. After my experiences here, and seeing how highly valued it is, I'm sure that being bilingual (or trilingual or quad-lingual etc) is the most valuable asset one could have, more so than any number of years of career experience. English being the most significant and sought after.

Prior to arriving in Taiwan, I had seriously considered living and working in a country other than the U.S. I personally consider traveling to other places and living in other countries to be the best thing a person can do to grow. But since arriving in Taiwan, that consideration has become a certainty. And after hearing about how easy it would be to get a well paying job, the prospects look very bright. Seriously, if this guy can do it, I would hope I would be able to.

We left these two legends to their bottles of Taiwan Beer and retired for the night. I don't know what series of consequences allows me to meet these kind of people, but I must say I wouldn't have it any other way.